fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
