Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
