Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
