Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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