Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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