Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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