I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
