Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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