She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
whose ass print is on the piano?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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