I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
