I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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