In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize