shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
