1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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