the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
