If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
