i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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