Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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