I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
