Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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