tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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