I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
