Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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