god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
