I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
