I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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