then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
