Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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