Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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