my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
