I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
