I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
