i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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