mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
