You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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