just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
