Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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