My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
