ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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