6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just want nice things and good sex
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
