Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
