I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
