i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
