Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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