I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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