But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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