I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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