I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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