so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
