my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize