so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
