well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
