just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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