As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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