i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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