I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
