Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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