Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
