why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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