Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Randomize
