how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
