I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
