wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
you made out with another girl for some wings
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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