True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
