i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
