I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
