How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I did not marry a roomba.
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